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Tosh.0 – Web Redemption – Rifle Kid


– IT’S THE VIEW OUTSIDE
PEOPLE’S DOORS AND WINDOWS THAT HAS WALNUT CREEK NEIGHBORS
DOING DOUBLE TAKES. YES, THAT’S A GUY WITH A RIFLE
STRAPPED ACROSS HIS BACK WALKING DOWN THE SIDEWALK. – THIS IS MY GRANDDAD’S GUN
FROM WORLD WAR II. – 19-YEAR-OLD JOHN SCHULTZ
ALSO WEARS A BULLETPROOF VEST, CARRIES AMMO, AND KEEPS A KNIFE. – I HAVE ZIP TIES ON AS WELL,
JUST IN CASE. – MY KIDS DON’T EVEN
COME OUTSIDE ‘CAUSE THEY’RE SCARED. – HIS WALKS VARY, DAY AND NIGHT. IT’S MOSTLY FOR PICKING UP
GARBAGE. – IT’S NOTHING TO DO
WITH THE GUN OR THE BODY ARMOR. IT’S THE PERSON. – BUT THERE’S TILL THE GUN
AND THE BODY ARMOR. – YEAH, IT JUST SO HAPPENS
TO BE THERE. – GUNS WERE SO COOL
BEFORE NERDY WHITE KIDS STARTED USING THEM TO GET EVEN. THAT’S G.I. JOHN, AND SO
HELP YOU GOD IF YOU LITTER IN HIS PREDOMINANTLY
COLORED…FUL NEIGHBORHOOD. JOHN IS WHAT WE Y.A. FANS
WOULD CLASSIFY AS A DAUNTLESS. WE WOULD’VE AIRED THIS
REDEMPTION A FEW WEEKS AGO, HAD IT NOT BEEN
FOR A MUCH MORE DISTURBING GUN-TOTING LUNATIC ON THE NEWS. WHAT KIND OF COUNTRY
DO WE LIVE IN WHERE AN ASSHOLE COMEDIAN
LIKE ME IS PULLING BITS OFF THE AIR
OUT OF RESPECT? EVERYONE SHOULD FEEL COMFORTABLE AS LONG AS JOHN
AVOIDS CHURCHES, MALLS, ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS,
AND MOVIE THEATERS… OR VIRGINIA TECH. I KNOW PIRATING MOVIES
IS A CRIME, BUT DIVING
ON TOP OF MY GIRLFRIEND TO KEEP HER FROM GETTING SHOT
SEEMS A LOT WORSE. WHY IS IT THE FOLKS
WHO WANT GUNS FOR PROTECTION HAVE THE LEAST TO PROTECT? NOBODY IS TRYING TO STEAL
YOUR BOWLING TROPHIES OR YOUR 46-INCH VIZIO. POLICE GET A FREE GUN JUST
FOR DROPPING OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL AND COMPLETING
AN OBSTACLE COURSE. AS SOON AS PRESIDENT TRUMP
LOOKS INTO IT, GUN VIOLENCE
WON’T BE A PROBLEM ANYMORE. HE’S NOT SURE HOW OR WHEN,
“BUT IT’S GONNA BE TREMENDOUS.” GUNS ARE THE ONLY WAY
STUPID PEOPLE CAN WIN ARGUMENTS. THEY’RE LIKE
UNCIRCUMCISED PENISES. I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE
HAVE THEM, BUT WHEN I HOLD ONE,
I’M UNCOMFORTABLE. BUT DESPITE THE RIFLE,
BODY ARMOR, AND ARYAN-NATION HAIRCUT, JOHN MAKES A LOT OF SENSE. THAT’S WHY I FLEW HIM
TO HOLLYWOOD, WHERE LIBERAL CELEBS
WHO HATE GUNS GET RICH MAKING MOVIES
THAT GLORIFY THEM IN THIS WEEK’S WEB REDEMPTION. [UPBEAT MUSIC] THANK YOU. I’M EXCITED TO BE AROUND ME TOO. METEOROLOGISTS PREDICT
A STRONG EL NIÑO THIS YEAR. WITH A NAME LIKE THAT,
DONALD TRUMP THINKS THAT MEANS IT WILL GROW UP TO BE A CRIMINAL
AND A RAPIST. [LAUGHTER] I KID THE DONALD. LET’S MEET OUR PANEL. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] HE’S ONE OF MY
FAVORITE COMICS BECAUSE HALF OF HIS ACT
IS ABOUT ME. [LAUGHS] I KID. PLEASE WELCOME
COMEDIAN ANDY KINDLER. – THANKS, BILL.
YOU’RE A RACIST HACK. – SHE’S ONLY OUT HERE BECAUSE I DON’T TRUST HER
ALONE BACKSTAGE: MY HOOKER. AND FINALLY, HE’S KNOWN
FOR SCARING HIS NEIGHBORS WHEN HE’S UNNECESSARILY
PATROLLING THE STREETS WITH A LOADED GUN, MY OLD JOB, JOHN THE RIFLE KID,
EVERYBODY. ALL RIGHT.
LET’S GET STARTED. – I HAVE AN IDEA. WHY DON’T YOU PRACTICE
YOUR HORRIBLE MONOLOGUE IN FRONT OF A MIRROR
BEFORE THE SHOW SO IT DOESN’T
CRACK YOU UP SO MUCH? – NICE. I’M GLAD YOU GREW
YOUR HAIR OUT. YOU LOOK LESS CREEPY NOW. – OH, YEAH. – HOW OFTEN DO YOU PATROL
YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD? – WHEN I’M BORED. – SO HOW MANY TIMES A WEEK?
ONCE A WEEK? – PROBABLY THREE OR FOUR
TIMES A DAY. – THREE OR FOUR TIMES A DAY. – IT CAN BE, YOU KNOW, 3:00 A.M. – YOU PATROL AT 3:00 A.M.
WITH A LOADED RIFLE? – IN THE VIDEO,
YOU SEE THE BOLT OPEN. I’VE ACTUALLY HAD POLICE
COME TO ME AND SAY, “IT’S NOT SMART TO BE WALKING
AROUND WITH AN UNLOADED GUN,” AND THEY’VE TAKEN IT FROM ME
AND LOADED IT AND SAID, “YOU’RE WALKING AROUND
WITH A BRICK, ESSENTIALLY.” – WHICH ALSO COULD
DO A LOT OF DAMAGE. – HAVE YOU EVER TRIED
TO SWITCH THINGS UP AND ACTUALLY, LIKE,
THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE SAYING? YOU KNOW, JUST FOR–
JUST FOR A CHANGE. – IS YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD
PREDOMINANTLY BLACK? – YES. – DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHY BLACK PEOPLE WOULD BE
A LITTLE CREEPED OUT BY A WHITE GUY WALKING AROUND
WITH A RIFLE? – OH, YEAH. I UNDERSTAND, BUT, YOU KNOW,
I’M NOT GONNA STOP. YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT
IT’S PART OF THE CONSTITUTION AND THE BILL OF RIGHTS
THAT, YOU KNOW, WE NEED TO SERIOUSLY STEP UP. – DO YOU RACIALLY PROFILE? – NO. I HAVE A LOT OF–
– THAT’S GOOD. – I HAVE A LOT OF BLACK FRIENDS
IN THAT NEIGHBORHOOD THAT RESPECT ME. IN FACT, WHEN I GOT STOPPED
BY THE NEWS, YOU KNOW,
AND THEY WERE FILMING, I WAS STANDING AT THE CORNER. THEY PULLED UP. THEY WERE LEAVING
TO GO KAYAKING. – BLACK PEOPLE GOING KAYAKING? – OH, HELL YEAH. – THAT, MY FRIEND, IS THE GREATEST THING
I’VE EVER HEARD. – THIS SHOW RELIGI-SUCKS. HUH? – WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE PART
OF THE SECOND AMENDMENT? THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS
OR THE PART ABOUT MILITIAS? – MILITIA. – WHY NOT JOIN THE MILITARY? – I HAVE ALLERGIES AND ASTHMA. – YOU’RE PREACHING TO THE CHOIR. UGH. POLLEN WILL RUIN MY DAY. – ONE TIME, [BLEEP] PEED ON ME. – OH. AND THE BULLETPROOF VEST–
DO YOU THINK THAT’S A BIT MUCH? – THIS IS FOR ME. – IS THERE A LOT OF GUN FIGHTS
GOING ON IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD? – OH, YEAH.
WE’RE OUT IN THE COUNTY. YOU CAN SHOOT GUNS,
AND THERE’S BEEN DRIVE-BY SHOOTINGS
IN THAT NEIGHBORHOOD, LIKE, THE DAY AFTER I MOVED OUT. – YOU’VE SINCE
LEFT THAT COMMUNITY. – YES.
– YOU’RE IN A NEW COMMUNITY, I HOPE DOING
THE SAME CRAZY STUFF. YOU EVER SEEN SOMEONE LITTER? – YEAH, AND–
– WHAT DO YOU SAY? – I’LL TALK TO ‘EM. – ARE YOU LEGALLY ALLOWED
TO SHOOT LITTERERS? – NO. – YOU EVER THINK
ABOUT ADDING A BAYONET TO THE RIFLE SO IT’S EASIER
TO PICK UP TRASH? – I HAVE. I HAVE. – ARE YOU A GOOD SHOT? – YES, I’M VERY PROFICIENT. – HOW MANY CONFIRMED KILLS
DO YOU HAVE? – THERE HAS TO BE A WITNESS
FOR A CONFIRMED KILL. – OKAY, YOU DON’T… – HEY, BILL,
YOU’RE 59 YEARS OLD, AND YOU WEAR GRAPHIC TEES
ONSTAGE. EXPLAIN YOURSELF. – I MEAN, BILLY, HOW LONG
IS THIS BORING-ASS SHOW AGAIN? – WHAT OTHER ACTIVITIES
DO YOU LIKE TO DO FOR GOOD EXERCISE? – I MEAN, LIFT WEIGHTS. – WHAT ABOUT THAT FIGHTING? THAT UFC STUFF. YOU LIKE THAT? – MM-HMM. IN FACT, MY PASTOR, RICK HOCKER, WAS ON THAT SHOW. – THE FIGHT CHURCH. – YOU GUYS LIKE TO SEE ME
FIGHTING ANOTHER PASTOR? – OH! THAT GUY’S A GENIUS. – THAT’S MY CHURCH. – YOU GO TO FIGHT CHURCH.
– YES. MY PARENTS WERE MARRIED
THERE, ACTUALLY. – DO THEY KISS THE BRIDE,
OR DOES HE, LIKE, PUT HER IN, LIKE,
A REAR-NAKED CHOKE HOLD? – [LAUGHS] – MY FAVORITE FRIDAY NIGHTS ARE WHEN YOU’RE ON HIATUS;
I LOVE IT. – YOU THINK OBAMA WOULD TRY
TO TAKE YOUR GUNS? – HOW? – I DON’T KNOW. YOU THINK HE’S DOING A GOOD JOB? – [LAUGHS] AT FAILING, YES. – BILL, I LOVE HOW
ALL YOUR JOKES ABOUT OBAMA FOLLOW THIS STRUCTURE: SOMETHING,
SOMETHING, THE– BOTH:
BLACK GUY. – THAT’S RIGHT. – WOULD AMERICA BE SAFER IF EVERYONE HAD A GUN? – [SCOFFS] – NO.
– NO. – WHAT IF EVERY AMERICAN
HAD TWO GUNS? ‘CAUSE I’VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO DO THAT COOL THING WHERE YOU HOLD, LIKE–
AND YOU’RE, LIKE, RUNNING DOWN A HALLWAY
OF A HOTEL JUST SHOOTING
BOTH SIDES. – DO THAT THING WHERE YOU BLAME THE AUDIENCE
WHEN THE JOKE IS WEAK. – COME ON. YOU GUYS COULD GIVE HIM
MORE FOR THAT. – RIGHT. IT’S THEIR FAULT! – ARE YOU PREPARED TO DIE
FOR YOUR CUL-DE-SAC? – WAIT ONE SECOND, JOHN. HEY, YOU KNOW, IF YOU
AND JIMMY FALLON HAD A BABY, IT’S FULL NAME WOULD BE “BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE PEOPLE
WHO RUINED COMEDY.” – DO YOU THINK IT’S TOO EASY
TO GET A GUN? – IT’S TOO EASY FOR PEOPLE
TO GET GUNS ILLEGALLY. – HOW DO WE FIX THAT? – I HAVE NO CLUE. – PERSONALLY, I BELIEVE
THAT STRONGER BACKGROUND CHECKS AND INCREASED FUNDING
FOR MENTAL HEALTH WILL SUBSTANTIALLY REDUCE
GUN VIOLENCE. – THAT’S NOT WHAT
I’M PAYING YOU FOR. ARE YOU IN GOOD MENTAL HEALTH? YOU EVER BEEN TESTED?
– MM-HMM. – YOU HAVE? – MY MOM WORKS FOR THE VA. – WHAT, DID SHE GIVE YOU
JUST A FREEBIE? – MM-HMM. SHE’S A MENTAL-HEALTH NURSE
AS WELL. – AND SHE SAYS YOU’RE FINE. THAT’S ALL I NEEDED TO HEAR. [GUNSHOT] – I THOUGHT HE HAD A GUN. – WHY WOULD I HAVE A GUN? I’M A JEW. I WAS JUST HOPING
TO GET MY PARTING VALIDATED BEFORE I SAID THIS NEXT
HORRIBLE THING ABOUT BILL. – MAYBE THERE IS A GOD. – THAT’S THE FUNNIEST THING
YOU’VE EVER SAID. – THAT WAS SEXY
AS [BLEEP]. – IT’S MY GRANDFATHER’S RIFLE. – LET’S GET OUT OF HERE. – THERE’S NO WAY I’M PAYING
FOR THE FULL HOUR. LOOKS LIKE I’LL BE TAKING SANTA
MONICA BOULEVARD HOME TONIGHT. I KID. ALL RIGHT. THAT’S OUR SHOW.
THANKS TO OUR PANELISTS. ALSO, COME SEE ME LIVE. I WILL BE PERFORMING
AT THE PECHANGA CASINO, THE MOHEGAN SUN CASINO, AND THE MORONGO CASINO. BASICALLY ANY CASINO WITH A DREAM-CATCHER
IN THE LOGO. GOOD NIGHT. YET ANOTHER COMEDY BRIDGE
BURNED.

100 thoughts on “Tosh.0 – Web Redemption – Rifle Kid

  1. Was his grandfather British ? Because if not the kid doesn't know his grandfather very well . Americans did not use a world world 1 variant mark 1 British 303 during world world II lol.

  2. Fuck this shit. Keep your guns. Fuck all you scared faggots who are being fooled into thinking we dont need guns. Fucking retards

  3. Bullshit it isn't about the gun.

    If it wasn't about the gun, he would just carry a knife.

    But no, he carries a rifle and wears a bullet proof vest.

    This is all so he can feel like a badass, no one will mess with him, and he can smirk and say, "it's not about the gun."

    No, he is carrying that gun to intimidate and show power over others. This is what a weak person does.

  4. Daniel Tosh… Another do nothing bitch. I guess he started sucking at writing and couldn't read jokes that other people wrote for him off a teleprompter… How's his numbers? How are Donald Trump's numbers? That's right Trump winning again

  5. When they get the guns, they won't give them back. Not even when the govt starts loading everyone into train cars and putting them into gas chambers.

  6. I don’t think that guns from ww2 on the American side. It has clips and a bolt action. Does anyone know what kind of gun that is.

  7. I really like tosh…. And his respect for the 1st amendment…. But where is his respect for the second amendment without that his 1st amendment most likely wouldnt exist.

  8. Andy dumbass Kindler might be the worst comedian ever. De-rails the show every time. Tosh has used this buzzkill more than once. Not a single funny line in a comedy sketch show. Just don’t understand. I guess comedy is subjective.

  9. Imagine what would happen to this white kid if he just walked around picking up trash with no rifle!?? Do you think he would get his ass kicked? Do you Honestly believe your answer??🤔

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