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Top 10 NON-LETHAL Weapons


Top 10 Non-Lethal Weapons 10. The SpeechJammer On the one hand, freedom of speech is one
of the most basic human rights imaginable. On the other hand, some people are unrepentant
mouth-breathers whose voice should legally be classified as ear-rape, so it’s completely
understandable that someone, somewhere, would eventually come up with a device that stops
people from talking (other than a sharp knife, of course.) And so, two Japanese researchers, Kazutaka
Kurihara and Koji Tsukada, have come up with a device that, when aimed at the target, makes
it near-impossible for them to talk. The device, nicknamed the SpeechJammer, operates
on the idea of delayed auditory feedback. Basically, what it does is record what you’re
saying and then shoot it back at you with a slight (200 millisecond) delay, which for
some reason is like kicking the speech center of your brain right in the nutsack. Even basicallier, the device uses your own
words to stop you from talking which I believe is what we call “poetic justice.” Or possibly “an Orwellian horror waiting
to happen.” 9. The Incapacitating Flashlight Up until now, the only way to make someone
puke with a flashlight was to hit them on the back of the head with it, inducing a paralyzing
seizure (AKA The LA Greeting). But now the future Bond villains at the Intelligent
Optical Systems, California, have come up with a flashlight that uses light pulses to
disorient a target, and hopefully make it puke its guts out. The Incapacitating Flashlight first uses a
range finder to determine the distance between itself and the one remaining Occupy protester
on Earth, and then sends out a series of LED pulses, which differ in color and duration. This colorful strobe light effect is said
to have a nauseating effect on a typical human, causing him to lose balance and become sick…thus
making the Incapacitating Flashlight a portable version of that one Pokémon episode. 8. The PHASR The Personal Halting and Stimulation Response
Rifle is three things: 1. One of the most awkward acronyms ever 2. Proof that an obsession with Star Trek does
not diminish with age 3. A U.S. Department of Defense non-lethal rifle
that blinds people. To get around such pesky things as international
military conventions against blinding weaponry, the PHASR is being developed to use lasers
that will only temporarily blind an enemy combatant…thus making it easier to shoot
him through the nipples, I assume. Unfortunately, given the size of the current
PHASR prototype and its uncanny resemblance to an X-Box peripheral, the safe bet is that,
instead of actual combat the PHASR will see most action at drunken army base parties and
future Jackass episodes. 7. The Active Denial System, AKA Pain Ray Imagine you’re at a rally protesting the
fascists’ fascist decision to fascist…ly remove French fries from your community college’s
cafeteria (also, you have no idea what “fascist” actually means). You and everyone else are restless, tension
is riding high, some guy (me, most likely) innocently suggests to perhaps consider torching
the campus to the ground. That’s when an armored car rolls by, and
everyone just falls to the ground in a fit of blinding pain for no apparent reason. You have no idea what’s going on. Suddenly, your whole body has been turned
into a giant radio receiver and the only station it gets is Pain FM. You start pleading with every God you can
think of, promising to release those teenage runaways from your basement if only someone
would free you from this pain. But it’s not God that’s doing this to
you – it’s the Air Force’s Active Denial System. The ADS is a military non-lethal weapon that’s
basically a giant antenna that emits waves similar to those found in microwave ovens. When aimed at a person, the ADA waves cause
him or her to reach their pain threshold in a matter of seconds, by making them feel as
if they were burning alive. The weapon reportedly has no long-term ill
effects on the human body, other than a crippling phobia of microwave ovens and your own government. 6. The XM1063 The XM1063 is a powerful, full-metal, heavy-duty,
America, beer, other manly words, military projectile meant to be fired from a 155mm
howitzer after which it breaks down into 152 small submunitions which parachute over a
1-hectar area, delivering the deadly payload inside. The payload here just happens to be weapons-grade
farts. The XM1063 is meant to be a non-lethal personal
suppression system, which is a fancy way of saying “No! No killing! Bad bomb!” The US Army has thus considered various stuffing
for their metal canon turkey like pepper sprays, or perhaps tear gas, to use against enemy
forces scattered around a wide area. But so far, the most viable option seems to
be malodorants, i.e. chemicals that smell REALLY bad. It’s still not entirely certain if that
is even legal under the modern chemical weapons conventions but, if it ever gets green-lit,
then wartime footage will become roughly a million times funnier. 5. The Gay Bomb You know how gay people find every single
person of the same gender attractive, no matter their age or personal appearance might be? Well, if you’re getting all of your information
about homosexuality from hardcore gay porn, then you probably do. Also, you’re probably the US military in
the 1970s. More than 40 years ago, the army was actually
toying with the idea of a pheromone-dispersing bomb which could be detonated over enemy territory,
pumping enemy forces full of lady chemicals or whatever pheromones are, thus turning them
gay. And, as we all know, gay people are horrible
at combat, especially those who have romantic feelings for one another. What’s that? The Sacred Band of Thebes? What’s that? Let’s just fire up the ol’ Wikipedia and…oh. Ohhhhh… Huh…well, now the gay bomb idea just sounds
stupid. 4. The Thunder Generator The Thunder Generator can be best summed up
as a weapon that shoots explosions. Originally devised by Israeli farmers to scare
away birds, the Thunder Generator uses a mixture of gas and air to create loud explosions…which
the Israeli government now wants to aim at people. With a little tweak here and there (possibly
adding a human skull decal on the side) the TG has recently been re-appropriated as a
crowd dispersion weapon, as it can send powerful shock waves that knock people down up to 100m
away. Unfortunately, the Thunder Generator is non-lethal
only in the sense that a regular firearm is non-lethal, as long as you only shoot the
guy in the ass. It’s actually been discovered that, at less
than 10m, a blast from the Thunder Generator can kill a person but, damn, can you imagine
the badass headstone they would leave behind? “Here lies some guy – killed by an Explosion
Gun.” 3. The Chili Grenade Not that long ago, the Indian Special Forces
have apparently decided that regular pepper spray and tear gas are for pussies to sprinkle
on their whole-wheat cereal with skim milk, and so they started developing an explosive
which instead of chemicals would disperse aerosolized Bhut Jolokia – one of the hottest
chili peppers on the planet. This might actually help India get around
international bans on chemical weaponry, because the Bhut Jolokia is perfectly natural and
technically even consumed by things which technically might be considered humans. The only problem is that whenever the Chili
Grenade hits an enemy army, there will inevitably be at least one a*****e there who will try
to play it cool and boast that the chili grenade isn’t that hot. God, I hate that guy. 2. Sticky Foam Quick, pin-point the inherent dangers and
potential for disaster with the following idea: a super-expanding, quick-drying foam
shot out of a gun to incapacitate people. If you answered, “too big of a temptation
to use on Jared after he falls asleep drunk on the coach,” then you are right. I also would have accepted “the possibility
of accidentally suffocating a person” or “a new, terrifying genre of pornography.” And yet, the US military is all about the
Sticky Foam gun, and the weapon is apparently already being used by the Marines, most notably
in Somalia. 1. The Taser Shotgun The problem with a shotgun is that it’s
cool and all, but the courts tend to frown upon shooting people in the face with it. Tasers, on the other hand, go down a little
easier with law enforcement since they are a non-lethal weapon, but they require you
to go ALL THE WAY OVER THERE where that guy with the stupid hat is standing to electrocute
his dumb ass. Man, can’t some smart people, with obvious
mental and personality problems, step in to remedy this sad situation? They sure can! Say hello to the Taser Shotgun! Already in use in the United States, and being
considered by British police forces, The Extended Range Electronic Projectile weapon fires shell-like
electro cartridges with barbs in front that, once fired, bore deep into the target’s
skin and administer a 20-second shock of 500V. The weapon is apparently effective up to 100ft. I do worry though, that the taser shotgun
might work too well and eventually replace traditional tasers. And then what will I bring on crowded subway
trains?

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