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I Hired A Cryptographer To Expose My Deepest Secret

– Hidden messages are all around
us, but we never see them. (dramatic beat) The job of a cryptographer
is to uncover secret messages by breaking complicated codes. Today I’m going to try
hiding my deepest secret right under a cryptographer’s nose. (dramatic beat) I hope my secret smells pleasant. (dramatic music) What does a cryptographer do? – So a cryptographer looks at data and that data is encrypted
with mathematical algorithms. So we look at that data to see
if it’s safe or if it’s not. So we employ different
analytical techniques to try to break the message or to show that hey this cryptography’s actually
doing it’s job, it’s secure. So it’s not just breaking
the math, it’s finding flaws and how they actually wrote
the code to implement the math. – I hate math. I think I got a C in math. Pretty much every year of my life. – I doubt that happened to me. – What was the most dangerous
job you’ve ever had? – Where I’m at now, at Freedom
of the Press Foundation, we build a tool called
SecureDrop, which is a platform that news organizations set
up so that whistle blowers and others who want to share
tips and things with really high stakes that other
nations, states or governments or crime syndicates might want to access. This is a platform for them to submit these stories to news organizations. Just the general danger
of building a system with those types of audiences in mind, where they could face prison
time or, you know, exile or even death if something goes wrong. – Are you good at solving puzzles? – Absolutely, fantastic. – Now I’m going to challenge you. I’ve hidden my deepest secret in a code and if you are able to solve my puzzle, you will be revealing my deepest
secret to the entire world. – I will do my best to expose it. – I’m going to give you thirty minutes, everything you need is
in the room upstairs. – Okay. – Good luck. What the cryptographer
didn’t know was that I spent the last two weeks planning
the perfect strategy to keep my secret safe forever. (dramatic music) First I developed a series
of brutally difficult puzzles to test his skills, drawing inspiration from ancient history, and my extreme addiction to escape rooms. I wanted to make the room with
my puzzles in it as scary as possible, so I decorated
it like a birthday party. A birthday party where the
windows are blacked out, the pinata is empty and a clown
costume is stapled to the wall. Next, I created a devious distraction. Every two minutes that passed
with my secret remaining undiscovered, the cryptographer
will be hit in the face with a mayonnaise pie. This should annoy the bejesus out of him. The more time he spends pissed
off, the less time he has to expose my strange past. Finally, I hired a professional
mime to stand in the corner of the room during this challenge. To make matters more interesting, I told the mime my deepest secret. In college, (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) track. The cryptographer will be allowed to skip my marathon of odd challenges, if he can make the mime
spill my secret beans. – What are the rules of
engagement with this mime? – You can do whatever
you want to this mime. I will say he may or may
not be very ticklish, but if you cannot get the mime to talk, you have to focus on
solving all of my puzzles. – Fair. – If the mime talks and
breaks their code of silence, they may never work again. I really hope this mime
is ready to retire today. What percentage positive
are you going to succeed? – I will say 85%. – Good, I’m already in your head, baby. (laughing) – That’s the best way I function. – With me in your head? – Well, with the adversary in my head. – Now that I’ve made the
cryptographer uncomfortable, it’s time to start my impossible puzzles. – [Mike voiceover] The
challenge begins in 3, 2, 1. Mayonnaise pie. First, the mime will hand
the cryptographer a note, which reads, “Mike shifted
his lunch three minutes “so he could have a caesar
salad. Yixzh ifdeq lk tfkalt.” What does that mean? – [Justin Voiceover] Alright,
so right now I’m just trying to figure out what this code might mean. Okay, I’m gonna keep looking around to see if there’s anything of use. – When the timer begins,
I’ll be outside preemptively celebrating my victory
by calmly shucking corn. (dramatic music) – [Mike Voiceover] Mayonnaise pie. – Alright, currently just turning over, looking over for some clues. Puzzle as it is, alright
here’s an alphabet, shift code, (mumbles) three minutes,
let’s try to solve it. – [Mike voiceover] Mayonnaise pie. The three underlying words
were shifted, three and caesar. The cryptographer should
realize that in the strange final sentence, I shifted
the letters three places over in the alphabet using a caesar cipher, said to be an ancient method
of hiding secret messages. Moving those letters three
places down the alphabet will spell black light on window. – Black light looking for a black light. (upbeat chime) Alright cool, found the black
light, solved the puzzle. Got pie all over me. – Once the cryptographer
picks up the black light on the window sill, he must
find invisible ink somewhere in the room, or he can waste time hosting a black light dance party by himself, which is something that I’ve never done. – Looking for something that
will appear and having no luck. – Written on the far corner
of the ceiling, an invisible chalk message reads,
“My favorite book is 666 “and my favorite number is dictionary.” – Not sure what this is for yet. (mumbles) Nothing there. [Mike voiceover] Mayonnaise pie. – The first part of the
puzzle was pretty easy, I’m gonna say that I’m
over-analyzing the black light part. Oh there we go, my favorite book, 666. My favorite number is dictionary. There we go, so I found
the black light clue, so so my favorite number is 666, so page 666, which I found by shining the black light. – One of the many books on
the floor is a dictionary, on page 666 is a note which reads: – It says, “Please write
a haiku about pizza, “call my favorite pizzeria
and sing them your haiku, “you can convince them, “to the cashier to sing
your haiku back to you.” – [Mike voiceover] Mayonnaise pie. – Only then will you get your next clue. – Now the cryptographer
will have to serenade a total stranger with
his feelings about pizza. – I would look up the
definition of haiku to make sure I have the formatting correct. So it’s form of 5-7-5 as far as syllables. But now I’m gonna call
Mike’s favorite pizzeria. – [Mike voiceover] Mayonnaise pie. – So I’m on a mission, I need your help. – If the cryptographer
convinces the pizzeria cashier to sing his haiku back to him, he may continue his quest
for my deepest secret. – So I need you to sing a
haiku back to me that I’m going to tell you for me to
proceed to my next challenge. If you do that he says he’ll
come in, buy everybody pizza. – Yeah we’re gonna place an
order for pizza, but that’s what I have to convince you
to do is sing this haiku back. – Yeah, as strange as it sounds. I’m getting mayonnaise pies in the face, I’ve had like a dozen so I
could really use your help. So the only way I- – [Mike voiceover] Mayonnaise pie. – There’s another one, the
only way I can get to the next challenge is for you to sing
the haiku and there’s no other pizza place he
likes except for yours. Alright, say the first line with me. I like cheese pizza. – Pizza is the greatest food. – Ham pizza is great. – [Mike voiceover] Mayonnaise pie. (upbeat chime) – The cashier will
provide this instruction: on the floor is a blueish-green vase, which contains a ping pong ball, when the cryptographer
gets the ping pong ball, he will read the small
clue I’ve written on it. – Okay, looks like we have next piece, pop the red balloon. (upbeat chime) – [Mike voiceover] Mayonnaise pie. (balloon pops) – Cool, alright, next clue: (upbeat chime) – [Mike voiceover]
Inside that red balloon, I’ve hidden a small paper with this text: – Zodiac symbols. Also a bomb. And we gotta figure out what this code is. – The cryptographer should
realize that this is a font everyone knows,
but no one has ever used. I’m speaking of course about Wingdings. – [Mike voiceover] Mayonnaise pie. – In the room there is a
laptop he may use to convert the symbols into English. The sentence translates to: Mike’s secret is on the
tip of the mime’s tongue. – Looking here for other clues. – [Mike voiceover] Mayonnaise pie. – I saw the mailbox
icon, so I’m just gonna see if by chance… – As you know, many words
have double meanings. Do you know that some
words have double meanings? – Sure. – Great. A tongue can also be found on a shoe, therefore my deepest
secret has been hidden on the mime’s shoe tongue this whole time. If the cryptographer reaches
into the mime’s shoe tongue, pulls out my embarrassing
secret and reads it for the entire internet to hear, I will lose and be humiliated forever. (dramatic music) – Okay. (dramatic music) Alright. It’s time.
– It’s time. – The cryptographer failed,
which is awesome for me and pretty stinky for him. – Well I lost, but I was making more
ground as I went along? – So how much of this was cryptography and how much of this was just plain weird? – I would say the majority
of it was plain weird. – The only person who knows
that secret is behind us. – Yes. And I have an idea it
had something to do with shucking corn of a different kind. One final question. – [Mike] Yeah.
– Do you guys have shampoo? – [Mike] We’ve got shampoo.
(laughing) Yeah, it’s mayonnaise flavored. – It’s raw. – While you were trying to
discover my deepest secret, I was going to investigate
your deepest secret, but I decided shucking corn was more fun. (laughing) – [Justin] That’s the rumor. – [Mike] What do you do for fun? (mellow music)

100 thoughts on “I Hired A Cryptographer To Expose My Deepest Secret

  1. mikes face tho the link is the time it happened.

    ps my fortnite name is (the flash best) but not with these ()

  2. Every time this is what mikes says: what the —— doesn’t know I have been planning this for (blank) months

  3. Tell that guy to decrypt this message I’m pretty sure it’s pretty securely locked and what’s more obvious to a cryptographer flat out putting a line under shifted 3 cypher when i saw that message I screamed Caesar!!!! And immediately solve it but what I want you or him to solve is

    010 310 170 680 990 170 230 680 901 880 370 660 570 301 811 911 230 090 230 411 770 170 670 230 170 280 011 680 230 011 660 230 701 070 301 301 411 770 480 230 711 801 370 230 570 111 811 221 401 680 230 870 680 230 301 801 230 270 201 980 401 021 370 411 980 680 230 090 111 401 670 230 021 801 201 970 911 230 411 230 090 270 230 870 201 021 380 230 221 401 230 170 380 411 401 230 680 901 021 370 660 570 301 680 911 230 411 230 121 680 880 090 070 401 811 230 890 801 070 230 580 801 501 230 480 801 801 780 230 401 230 280 170 230 301 811 990 301 230 170 380 280 401 230 801 070 301 230 580 411 480 070 501 680 230 611 070 890 401 230 890 670 201 230 411 711 230 080 901 670 860 230 170 230 911 670 901 230 411 230 021 970 411 880 080 980 090 411 301 230 301 380 280 401 230 411 401 230 780 501 090 870 090 230 011 070 021 511 230 401 801 230 301 511 811 501 811 230 280 401 230 001 511 660 230 380 811 970 111 670 230

  4. To those who want to see all the mayonnaise pie moments here they are

  5. At the beginning before the lights turn off u can see the words on the wall behind mike

    Like if watching in 2019

  6. cryptographer: this is impossible

    me, who loves gravity falls and is used to the Cesar cypher: …
    me, who had an undertale phase and is fluent in wingdings: …..
    me: ok

  7. Some Random Episode:

    I Got Chased By a Shark in The Ocean!

    Mike: Little did the Shark Now i was 2 Weeks Planning The Best Escape for him.

  8. These are the best videos buzzfeed ever took part in producing possibly the only worthwhile content honestly

  9. I lost about $4,000 to a scammer before I was linked to Mr Charlesand believe me he helped me recover the $4,000 and made an extra of $7,000 in the space of a week and 4 days

    He's really made name for himself

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