Ugh, gosh dammit, I got dirt all over my monitor. Give me a second. [faint wiping sounds] Alright cool, yeah that’s much better. God damn, blizzard, didn’t think you had it in ya, first you stole the heavy’s minigun animations, put ’em on bastion, now you’re taking his basic mechanics too. Now you’re putting it on a BIG, FAT, FLEXIN’ TEDDY BEAR ROBOT. Where have I heard of that concept before? Oh right, M V M . [heroic background music]
As the self-appointed ambassador of all heavy players, I think it falls within my jurisdiction to talk about the similarities and differences of these two goons. So to get the obvious one out of the way, they both love shooting people! A lot… Many times a lot… Now, I’m a pretty popular guy, and I get asked at least 3 times a year: “Hey, Funke, do you like Orisa?”
and my answer to that is… a lot more complex than it would initially lead on to be. When you play Orisa, you have to ask yourself a couple other questions first. “Do I like aiming projectile bullets through a hitscan weapon?” “Do I like moving at 3 miles an hour in a game with THIS shit, [whoosh sound effect]
or THIS shit? [“boing” sound effect]
or THIS shit? or THIS shit, or THIS shit?” And the unfortunate answer to all of this is… YEAH. This might seem weird, but I’m all alright with sacrificing mobility for power. In general, tanks in overwatch are still a lot funner than tanks in TF2. In Overwatch you have [roblox death sound x6] Attack tanks, defense tanks, somewhere-kinda-in-the-middle tanks, in TF2 you have [roblox death sound x3] Heavy, and you have Heavy, and you have Heavy. But THIS heavy is kind of broken, and THIS heavy is kind of boring, [Lower-Pitched Roblox Death Sound] so you mostly just have heavy. [crickets chirping]
There’s also a non-existent competitve scene, HA- That’s kind of off-topic. Orisa to me, is the most “heavy-like” character in Overwatch. Lotta people say “what about Bastion?” “what about Zarya???” They have a lot of heavy-like traits, but they aren’t “heavy-like”, y’know what I mean? Bastion is- [Metal Gear Solid alert sound effect]
Ugh, OK. Yes I have a golden Bastion gun, I didn’t choose it, I had a vote on my stream, i-i-it’s complicated, okay?
I didn’t… anyways, Bastion has to sit down and stay where he is, making him more like a sentry when he shoots. And Zarya has a limited range laser gun, and she has her whole bubble charge thing going on, BASICALLY it’s not…it’s not the heavy. Really recently, the Overwatch team released a hero preview of her, which pretty much signified “yep, yeah it is the heavy!” “Uh, Jeff, how’d you come up with this thing?” “Well, what we did was, we took a minigun, and we gave it to Zarya-” [Phoenix Wright “Cornered” plays]
RED HANDED. CAUGHT RED. FUCKIN. HANDED. A RUSSIAN?! WITH A MINIGUN?! CHECKMATE, MOTHERFUCKER. Ignoring all that garbo, the addition of Orisa is actually a pretty big deal, ’cause up until now, Reinhardt was pretty much a perma pick. And trust me, I would know. “Hey look buddy, I’m a flex player, that means I solve problems. Not problems like ‘what is throwing?’, ’cause that would fall within the purview of your conundrums of sociality. I solve practical problems. For instance, how am I gonna stop some big mean six stack from tearin’ me a structurally superfluous new behind? The answer?
…is a Rein. And if that don’t work?
-Blame the genji.” Genji: I need healing. “Stu, what are you doing?”
-“Filling as Reinhardt.” “But the DPS on your team is complete shit, why would you let them play that?” “Because I’ve lost control of my life.” Orisa, I’m counting on you, I don’t wanna play Reinhardt anymore! Please! Blizzard says you’re an anchor tank, just like Reinhardt?! I don’t even know what an anchor tank is! It’s fun to say though! Anchor tank! Anchor tank. Anchor dane!
[very gud orisa man] [rewind sound effect]
rrrrrrrrroling it back now, definitive proof that everyone’s just a rip off of the heavy. PIG SKIN:
-Liquid sandwich, reverse tomislav. D.VA:
-Double tomislav. WINSTON: REINHARDT:
Reinhardt grew up in the gulag with his mom and sisters, fighting off bears. Um, SOUND FUCKING FAMILIAR? [heroic music]
Now I may be the ambassador of global heavy players, but even I can’t conclude a proper punishment for this. We’ll have to call together, The Council of Heavies! [heroic music anticlimactically comes to an end] [echoing, and far away]
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M THE ONLY ONE?? I don’t know man, the way they’ve been posturing this hero as if it’s the greatest thing since sliced bread, it can’t help but make me feel like it’s probably gonna be a bit of a letdown. But enough about sombra! EYOOOOOOO- Orisas mechanics are a lot harder to master than heavys are, a part of that could be contributed to the fact that Overwatch is kind of a clusterfuck, but also just the delay on the shots, and the countless amount of abilities. Uh, it’s a lot more difficult than just tracking… It’s hard to say whether she’s gonna break the meta, ’cause everyone thought sombra would, and well…
[Distantly] she didn’t. There’s really no one else that can do Reinhardts job, so at least she has a chance, and that’s good enough for me. “Memes must die.” Holy shit, I’m god. [very faint]: aww. oh. [ominous music] [“death bell” sound effect x4] FUCK!! ONE LEFT! PLEASE PICK REINHARDT, PLEASE PICK REINHARDT, PLEASE PICK REINHART, PLEASE PICK REINHAR- ♫ I don’t want to know what you think of me now. ♫ [Gunshot] [song – Tony Molina – I don’t want to know]
♫♫♫ ♫ Trying to move on, but I just don’t know how. ♫ ♫♫♫ On every level except physical, I am an invite heavy.