After every mass shooting, concerned citizens, politicians, and late-night talk-show hosts call for a conversation on gun control. But too often, the people calling for that conversation on gun control seem to know the least about guns, which is crazy considering there are like 300 million guns in the US. Chances are your neighbor has one. Or your neighbor is literally a gun. You can just walk over and say, ‘what’s up?’ Just keep your hands where they can see them. We the Internet is all about having real conversations on controversial and divisive topics. That’s why we want that gun control conversation to happen, and we want each side to be taken seriously. Whether you’re pro-gun, anti-gun, or just love conversations. So, should you ever find yourself in that gun control conversation you’ve been asking for, here are a few tips to make sure you’re locked and loaded. I promise that’s my only gun pun. “An assault weapon you basically hold it, it goes *badada*.” “No, those are fully automatic weapons.”
“Okay.” If you want to talk about guns, you have to know the difference between semi-automatic and automatic. Definitions matter. Semi-automatic firearms, one bullet comes out each time you pull the trigger, and a new bullet takes its place in the chamber. Automatic firearms, as long as you hold down the trigger, bullets are gonna fire. If you use automatic and semi-automatic interchangeably, you’re gonna sound confused, like you don’t know what you’re talking about. Like that time I went wine tasting with my cousin, and he kept calling the Pinot Noir ‘Pinot Grigio.’ And when I corrected him, he said, “check out ‘Sideways’ over here.” Everyone was laughing. I said, “Haha you mean Paul Giamatti.” Now my cousin won’t stop calling me Pinot Giamatti. So imagine that idiot calling for a national conversation on wine. “Assault rifles…”
“…an assault rifle”
“Assault rifles…” An assault rifle is a description of how a gun looks, rather than how it functions. It may look like a badass machine gun, but that doesn’t make it one. Some gun owners call it ‘tacti-cool,’ a way to dress up like Rambo, but without the PTSD. Extra pointer, the AR in AR-15 doesn’t stand for assault rifle. It’s a brand name. It stands for Armalite. Am I right? Yeah, I’m right. “Who needs an assault rifle to go hunting?” You hear that a lot. I don’t know if you do or you don’t, I’m not a hunter. Personally I think hunting is cruel. No. I prefer to go out into the woods in the winter and watch the deer starve to death. But say I was a hunter and you wanted to persuade me to give up my AR. What gun would you recommend I use? What gun could take down an elk and the federal government? Have at least one recommendation on hand. Write it on your hand if you have to! It’ll make you sound like you’ve done this before. Gun owners call silencers ‘suppressors’ because they don’t silence a gun, they suppress the sound to a volume that’s still quite loud, just not hearing damage loud. So don’t try to use one in the library! For many reasons. You can blame Hollywood for making us believe in silencers, but remember this isn’t a movie. This is real life. It’s not ‘Sideways.’ And for the last time, I am NOT Pinot Giamatti. “Mmm, how’s that?” Are guns a way to compensate for a small penis? You hear that insult thrown around a lot. I guess in the case of armed women, guns compensate for no penis? I don’t know if any studies have been done on the subject, but for practical purposes, if you want to have a conversation on gun control, you should know the difference between a gun and a penis. Maybe the bigger your penis is, the more important it is to defend it. Look, no matter how endowed you are, it’s very hard to subdue a home intruder with your dick. And good luck hunting without breaking a bestiality law. Stop saying we have to do “something” and be specific. Like be really specific, because one man’s “do something” is another man’s “buy more guns.” Be clear on what you think we should do, and be ready to talk about the implications of that specific action, be they legal, political, or social. Different measures like universal background checks or limiting magazine sizes might have large or small effects, or none at all. As these two articles demonstrate, a lot of people can’t even agree on the data, let alone what to do with it. Don’t be afraid to do your research, maybe even become an expert. Like a gun sommelier. In times like these, we all need to do some self-reflection, and a whole lot of social media reflection. Look back at your old tweets, Facebook posts, instagrams, everything. How many times did you call Donald Trump ‘Hitler’? Seriously guys, if you want to have a meaningful conversation on gun control, but especially if you’re in favor of it, you can’t call Trump ‘Hitler’ anymore. Because calling for gun control while Hitler’s in the White House makes you sound suicidal. And we already have far too many of those. We’re not claiming this advice will save any lives, but it might save a conversation. What other tips would you give to those who want to have a conversation on gun control? Let us know in the comments, and subscribe to our channel, We The Internet TV, and follow us on Twitter and Facebook for new videos every week.